When

When I grow up, When I graduate from high school, When I graduate from college, When I get my first real job, When I start pulling in the big bucks,When I get married, When I have children, When, When, When.

Those Whens have come through, except for the big bucks.  I still find myself thinking When, but remember these Whens will not happen.  When my eyesight gets better, When my foot stops hurting, When I'll have significant funds left after the bills are paid, When I have the energy I used to have, When I have a house full of visitors.

I have these When thoughts because of books and television.  These characters are renewed each time we read a book again or watch a rerun.  When I watch Titanic, I think to myself, maybe the boat won't sink this time.  If the boat does sink maybe more people will be saved.  Maybe Jack won't die this time.  All the time knowing these things aren't going to happen.  The show will unwind as it always has.  I've watched The Waltons grow older and become young again many times.  Too bad in real life we get only one trip through.  

This must happen to everyone but it's hard to accept.  Maybe I could turn the house full of visitors into a reality but I don't know.  On one hand I enjoy people in small doses but on the other hand, I'd make a good hermit.   I do just fine on online forums but things go badly on social network sites and in person.  Too much cutesy crap on Facebook and few posts of any substance.  In person meetings tend to be someone wanting to borrow money, someone talking religion, or we both racking our brains for something to say.  Even on  occasions when I'd expect people to come they don't.  We were supposed to meet a my house after Dad's funeral.  Very few people showed up; most went to my aunt's house instead.  My sister stirred the hornet's nest by posting about it on Facebook.  My immediate family is scattered over the country so it's hard to meet up because of different days off and travel time.

I can see how and why older people become isolated.  I stay home more than I would like.  Walking long distances causes my feet to hurt.  It's a .61 mile walk to the bus stop.  Usually there's a parking lot to cross before getting to the main entrance to where I'm going.  Then I've got to retrace my steps to go home.  Para-transit is too expensive here to use on a regular basis.  The para-transit van costs four dollars each way.  On top of that para-transit has a half hour window on either side of your pick up time to show up.  And yes, I've waited an hour for the van to show.  Once aboard you may still ride around while they pick up and/or drop off other passengers.

I can still travel alone if I'm going some place I've been before.  Days of reading signs are over.  When I go somewhere new I take my daughter with me or take para-transit there and the bus back.

My list of Whens has changed.  When Andrea gets her driver's license, When I get 3000-5000 photos and video clips online,  When I get Kalani's Kandles up and running again, When I lose fifty pounds,  When I become a grandmother, When, When, When, some things never change.